Trust issues.

After seeing people get hurt, and myself being in a vulnerable position, I'm seriously lacking a lot of trust. I really don't trust anyone at all. It's hard cuz knowing that there were people in the past that were your BFFs for one second can turn around and betray you the next second. I have to admit I do have trust issues. Even when it comes to relationships, I can't trust guys. It's the whole I-don't-know-if-what-you're-saying-means-what-you're-thinking kinda thing. Sometimes, I honestly feel bad especially when people would tell me that they trust me, but I have this wall in between where it gives me doubts and puts myself in a position where I am wary of what they say. When guys tell me "trust me" it gives me the benefit of the doubt to not believe them. Why? It's very simple. Words cannot mean anything. I need someone to show me what trust is. Just by saying something doesn't make it easier to trust someone. Sometimes, I let my guard down so easily that at the end of the day, I'm the one getting hurt. I don't want that. That's why this 'wall' gets thicker and thicker each time.

I hate putting myself in a position where I've associated with someone for awhile and we can talk about anything and do things together, but I'm unable to be like "we're best friends." Although, some people consider me as their best friends, I can't make myself to agree with them because I feel like as soon as I say it, then things aren't going to be the same and I end up getting hurt. When someone asks if me and so & so are best friends, I don't know how to answer especially when the person is right next to me. I don't want to lie and be like 'yeah of course we're best friends," but at the same time I don't want to say no either because that will definitely hurt the other's feelings. I put myself in such a bad position that all I can do is change the subject or whatever I can to avoid such question.

By avoiding the question doesn't mean I don't value one person's friendship. I definitely take it to heart and I care about the person. It's just that maybe I was cursed with the word "best friends." LOL! It might seem silly, but so far the people I had claimed to be "best friends" with all turned their back on me and betrayed me one way or the other. Only one exception, but that's cause we gradually drifted. So next time, if you're a close friend of mines and I don't claim that you're my best friend, please don't take it to heart. I care, so just know deep down that we have a good bond in our hearts.